Codependency

So, what exactly is codependency?

The short answer is an over-dependence on people.

What is the “co” in codependence? Why not “overdependence?”

Fair question.

It takes two people to make the codependent relationship what it is. The codependent is overly dependent on other people because of low self-esteem, a strong desire for the approval of others, and the inability to develop healthy attachments to others. “Cos” become drawn to others who need support because of self-destructive behavior.

In simplest terms, one person in the codependent relationship is a taker, and the other is a giver. The taker may have real support needs but tends to rely on others to “rescue” them from the responsibility of managing for themself. Those with codependent tendencies come to the rescue continuously despite knowing that the other person is responsible for themselves.

The cycle perpetuates with one person demanding support and the other giving endlessly. The “co” constantly places that person’s needs ahead of their own and will give to the point of breakdown.

If you are codependent, you might experience some of the following behaviors.

Helping others helps you.

Your offer to help others is self-serving.

Let’s say your friend has a short temper. They rage frequently and unpredictably, and this scares you. You hate the feelings that come up when they get angry, so you console them to lessen YOUR discomfort.

You aren’t trying to offer THEM understanding and presence. The motivation for your support is a strong desire to feel comfortable yourself.

You say yes when you mean no.

The thought of disappointing other people is too much. If you say no, then they might get mad at you (see above). Regardless of your responsibilities and priorities, you ignore your feelings and bump the other’s request to the top of your “to-do” list.

Every single time, you choose to disappoint yourself to avoid the guilty feelings that accompany saying no.

You have obsessive fears of abandonment.

The thought of others leaving terrifies you.

You are hostage to the constant threat echoing in your mind, “They will leave if they get mad.”

When others withdraw emotionally, you are inconsolable. Even if the disconnect has nothing to do with you, the panic you feel when you sense a distance in your relationships is unbearable.

You value the approval of others more than valuing yourself.

What others say or do consumes you to the point that you don’t even know what is important to you anymore.

Choosing for yourself and making decisions in the relationship has become difficult because you concentrate only on how to make others feel only the good feelings. Your only need is not to upset the harmonious balance in the relationship. Anything more might push the other person away.

You have trouble identifying your feelings, making it impossible to communicate.

Your trust is misplaced.

You’ve been repeatedly disappointed by those closest to you. You would go to the ends of the Earth for others yet receive no reciprocation for your generosity. How does your suffering continue to go unnoticed?

You have decided that you can’t trust anyone, so you don’t dare ask for anything. Unconsciously, you don’t trust yourself to manage your disappointment if you were to ask and get an answer you do not want.

You are over-responsible.

Everything is your fault. In every conflict, in every confrontation, someone is to blame. Conflict makes you uncomfortable, so you feel compelled to apologize for even the slightest disagreement.

You squirm at the tension in your relationship, so you take full responsibility to restore the harmony as quickly as possible, whether there is blame to assign. Since you mistakenly believe you created the tension, it is you who must make things feel right again.

You might be mistaken.

Codependents believe in the self-constructed illusion that they give selflessly. The last thing they want is for others to perceive them as selfish. However, codependents aim to control how others feel about them by hiding their true feelings behind people-pleasing and self-sacrificial behaviors.

A paradox is that codependence appears unconditional, but it is wholly self-centered.

Here is both the bad and good news. The bad news is that the codependent is, in fact, selfish. Codependents give with strings attached. The good news is that they genuinely are individuals with an immense capacity to love generously and lavish unconditionally.

Put that oxygen mask on.

You are no good to others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Remember, in the event of a depressurized airplane cabin, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you! You cannot breathe for them. You must breathe your oxygen first to enable you to have clarity and strength to help others who genuinely cannot help themselves.

While working together, we start by rediscovering who you are (every nook and cranny), prioritizing your values, creating self-care disciplines, identifying feelings, giving voice to your uniqueness, and understanding and maintaining YOUR limits and boundaries. You will place your value first so you can show up for your loved ones in an authentic way that won’t leave you resentful and burnt out.

If you are ready to fill your oxygen tank to reclaim your approval and restore your independence, call me at 530.208.9424 or email me at lisaolsonmft@gmail.com.