Self-Sabotage & Self-Defeating Behaviors

Choosing comfort over discomfort

The stories of those with substance problems are as varied as the individuals who struggle. It doesn’t stop there.

The same goes for individuals with maladaptive coping behaviors like emotional eating, watching explicit videos, and even overdependence on devices.

Circumstances for each individual and family are different, but the feelings associated with the progression of dependence are almost always the same.

Having FUN and feeling good!

Hey, listen, there is nothing wrong with good old-fashioned fun and relaxation. Everyone loves to loosen up a bit – backyard BBQs with hard ciders and a friendly match of cornhole or splitting a joint while listening to blues acoustic sets at a local café.

One extra helping of potato salad or birthday cake, a side wager of your high-performing fantasy sports team, or an encounter with your friend-with-benefits is okay on occasion.

But fun can morph into fun with problems.

Sure, we all go overboard now and then. The fun you’ve previously enjoyed became dulled by problems creating additional stress.

You start by enjoying a few drinks after work or before class every day to take the edge off, but you aren’t getting your job done. Or smoking pot to fall asleep, but when you wake up, you aren’t feeling refreshed.

Then, things start to change – interests and priorities shift, relationships become awkward, and friendships change. Now you enjoy imbibing before all those fun events (AKA – “pre-gaming”!). You are eating edibles to manage the low-level anxiety nagging you throughout the day.

You secretly watch more sexual videos and sneak more snacks to find momentary relief from the increasing daily stresses.

Ultimately, fun progresses to major PROBLEMS.

You’ve lost the “fun” you once associated with using. You start chasing down those initial feelings of release and happiness that substances reliably deliver. In the chase for relief, you compound your problems and numb out.

Each day, you start with the “wake & bake” because the responsibilities are too overwhelming to face. You keep a flask in your briefcase or backpack to nip on throughout the day when issues arise.

You prioritize time on Tinder to arrange a hook-up instead of managing deadlines and priorities.

Late-night fun elicits DUIs and STDs. That extra weight provokes Type 2 Diabetes.

Your friends and family are worried. The psychological, physical, emotional, and financial deficits and debts begin to mount. Checking out of reality makes you unable to attend to your children’s needs.

Experiencing a ‘Turning Point’ differs for every individual.

At any point on the carousel of indulgence and consequences, folks may feel compelled to jump off the merry-go-round cycle. This is also different for everyone and based on personal circumstances, the severity of the consequences, and tolerance for maladaptive coping strategies. Let’s look at three of my clients – Ryan*, Ruthie*, and Rebecca*.

Ryan was a drunk.

Ryan was a successful and prominent businessman, married with three young children. His high-flying entertainment with clients required long hours, spending nights and weekends wining and dining, boozing, and schmoozing.

Drinking became a problem, and Ryan started drinking most days and evenings until his boss eventually fired him.

Ryan’s wife ran out of patience because she was tired of raising the kids single-handedly while Ryan lied to her, continued drinking, and sacrificed his health. Eventually, Ryan’s wife gave him an ultimatum, “Get help or get out.”

Ryan’s drinking was out of control for a long time. He had been trying to stop but was unable to sustain it. Ryan needed support.

Ruthie finds comfort with food.

Ruthie likes the feelings of approval and appreciation she gets from helping others. Despite her full plate with her demanding job and growing family, she volunteers for school and extracurricular activities when no one else will. And she gets the job done without a hitch, no matter the size of the project.

Whether you are her friend in need, her family expecting a cheerleader, or the community requesting an extra hand, she is available at the drop of a hat. She appears to handle everything with grace and dignity. The only thing she cannot do is prioritize herself.

Ruthie thrives on rescuing others from discomfort yet resents the infinite personal sacrifices necessary to meet their insatiable needs. She hides her bitterness from herself and others by emotionally eating.

The only way she can keep her façade together is by binging snacks, wolfing down fast food, devouring pints of ice cream and bags of cookies and chips, and picking at the leftover scraps on her kids’ plates. She manages her frenzy by stuffing her feelings of overwhelm, guilt, shame, and low self-esteem with food.

Ruthie verges on the edge of Type 2 Diabetes. She is fully aware of her emotional eating habits, knows her risks, and wants to change, but has no idea how to stop the cycle. She needs someone to help her learn how to manage her relationship with food.

Rebecca progressed to heroin.

Rebecca was addicted to heroin, a behavior frowned upon by her affluent community. Long before her addiction became out of control, Rebecca’s parents identified her as the one who was a bad influence on her siblings.

Rebecca asked the hard questions, and her parents saw this as disrespect. The home was chaotic – regular yelling, throwing, screaming, and beating. Rebecca’s parents continued to take out their anger on her. They believed that if she would “act right,” their family would have no problems.

Rebecca described things differently. She started using marijuana in middle school to “chill out” and added binge drinking in high school with her friends. Using substances is a socially acceptable way to find relief as a teenager, and it carries some status points on campus.

The reality was that Rebecca used substances and participated in risky behaviors to numb herself from her suffering at home. Soon enough, heroin provided her the only relief. She didn’t like the consequences of this choice, but it seemed to her like her only choice.

Naturally, Rebecca’s parents saw her heroin use as the apparent problem, while Rebecca saw this as her only solution. By 18, Rebecca’s parents had kicked her out of the house. Rebecca sought recovery, removing the substances but not the problem. Something needed to change for Rebecca.

Seek help and overcome your struggles.

The circumstances in these scenarios may be completely different. Still, the feelings Ryan, Ruthie, and Rebecca described in our work together were strikingly similar, and the progression of their use was uncannily the same.

Ryan and Rebecca both had fun in the beginning – Ryan was determined to provide for his family, excelled in his career, and enjoyed “doing business” in upscale restaurants and prestigious events on the company expense account. Rebecca balanced work and school with plans to graduate and enjoyed time with her close friends. Ruthie never noticed that she had exchanged food for comfort until her physical health was jeopardized.

Over time, they all enjoyed some good times and additional stresses as their priorities shifted. In the end, they all overcame the insurmountable problems created by the progression of continued use.

Are you looking to jump off the merry-go-round? Your story may differ, but you don’t need to wait until you become buried in problems. Are you ready to do the work for freedom Ryan, Rebecca, and Ruthie accomplished? Contact me now at 530.208.9424 or lisaolsonmft@gmail.com.

*Names and stories are composite narratives and do not reflect actual clients.