Parenting Support

United We Stand

As a parenting unit, our stance with the children is one of a united front. Consistency is key. From the beginning, we wanted our kids to know that regardless of their question, whether they asked mom or dad’s permission, the answer would be the same.

This philosophy was way more manageable when they were toddlers and young children. We could easily say no to requests for a second bowl of ice cream or access to the video games console once we reached the daily screen time limit.

As the kids grew up, we realized that we each have different perspectives and don’t agree on the boundaries and limits to set. One of us becomes inflexible, and the other becomes frustrated by stubbornness. Then, we end up fighting against one another over them.

We disagree on how to handle things. How can we be more united in our effort to create a loving and cooperative approach to parenting?

Is it too much to ask?

How often do you need to ask your kids to clean their rooms and pitch in around the house?

“This is the responsibility that comes with being in a family,” you say. “I cleaned it already,” they reason. Every time you mention it, you can hear their eyes roll. You don’t ask a lot, but they won’t do it without a fight.

You offer money (and call it an allowance). The idea of bribing is not beneath you, so you plan a big outing to the water park. Once their room is clean, you will take them on a day trip to celebrate!

You remind them to clean their room before Saturday. After all, you don’t want to pay the fee to lose the reservation set. They do the bare minimum, but you pay out and pack up anyway. What are you teaching them?

The stakes get higher.

You worry that they will not grow up to be competent adults. This latent fear drives your expectations up, and you clamp down with more rules at home to change their behavior.

When that doesn’t work, you start dishing out consequences – no hanging with friends, taking the phone away, restricting video games. When things don’t change, and it seems like you keep arguing all the time, the only thing you know how to do is parent harder – you must be the authority (right?) and not let the tail wag the dog.

Every hill seems worth dying to defend.

How you do one thing is how you do everything.

You will tend to parent in a similar style to how one or both your parents parented you. You might have already noticed some similarities. You may have even heard your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you argue with your child over homework.

Even if you swore to yourself that you would never, EVER be the kind of parent your parents were, you might unconsciously bring the struggles with your parents into the relationship with your children.

Consider Eddie* and Jen*.

Eddie and Jen have three children. Their youngest, Madeline*, has always been a strong-willed handful. She gets in trouble in the classroom, spends time in detention, and has conflicts with her friends.

At home, Madeline argues with everyone about almost everything. She has lots of energy and is impulsive and fearless. Eddie and Jen are hypervigilant, concerned that something could go wrong and that Madeline might get hurt.

Both parents focus so much on Madeline that their older children are also frustrated. Anytime they are together, Madeline talks incessantly or argues relentlessly, monopolizing all their family time. No one knows when Madeline will explode into anger, so everyone walks on eggshells and diffuses situations to keep Madeline from reacting.

It saddens Eddie and Jen that the older kids are now distancing themselves from Madeline, so they try harder to get everyone together more often to bridge the separation. This effort makes the older kids resentful toward them! Eddie and Jen only want to restore harmony and peace to their family.

Eddie and Jen sought help.

When Eddie and Jen arrived in my office, they wanted support to reconnect with all their children. They reasoned that they could quickly point the finger at Madeline for causing so much chaos but that blaming would only alienate her.

Both parents were the “black sheep” in their respective families. They knew from personal experience that the blame game only drove them further away. They had no idea how to span the growing divide in their family but were willing to acquire new skills and insights. Adolescence was coming up quickly, and if things were out of control now, they couldn’t bear to think about what kinds of issues they might deal with as their children got older.

Through our work together, Eddie and Jen were able to change their family’s legacy by modeling new techniques. Illuminating generational patterns helped both see how their parenting styles perpetuated the patterns of alienation and discord.

I helped them set better boundaries, establish healthy communication skills, address systemic relationship problems directly, and allow space to share emotions honestly.

Restoring balance in your family is possible.

Armed with new knowledge, Eddie and Jen learned how to make the adjustments necessary to restore balance to their family.

A parent is the most influential person in a child’s life. Children may still reach out to parents for guidance when they grow up, mainly if the family builds a solid relationship foundation based on trust, understanding, and vulnerability. This foundation is what Eddie and Jen tried to create all along but didn’t know what they didn’t know.

If you relate to Eddie and Jen’s story, give me a call to change your family legacy at 530.208.9424 or lisaolsonmft@gmail.com.

*Names changed to protect client confidentiality.